Some time last year, while training for the Asheville Half Marathon, I came up with the mantra that every race I ran would lead to a new kind of PR – a Post-Baby PR. (For you non-runners, a PR is a Person Record, your best time for a particular distance.) People would ask me how fast I expected to finish each race and I would tell them that it didn’t really matter, because every distance I ran after having Rose would be something “new” and I wouldn’t be able to compare to my previous finishes.

I 75% believed in this idea, and I 25% believed that it was a great excuse to use in case I failed to run a faster 5k, 10k, half or full marathon faster than my pre-baby PR. I was working out and running, while also leading and attending Stroller Strides classes. Because my activity level was so high, I felt like I should be better, faster, stronger. And during the second half of 2016, when Rose was between 8-11 months, I felt like I really was.

I started getting my hopes up about running my fastest marathon time yet while training for the Jacob Wells 3 Bridges Marathon in December. In October and November, I ran my fastest half marathon races (1:41 and 1:42) to date, and I started to believed that I could run a full marathon in just over three hours and 40 minutes, if not faster.

I ran when I had time and continued to strength train in October and November. The weeks after Thanksgiving brought cold weather and feeling under the weather, so my training runs were lacking. I ran a very fast 20 mile run at the end of November though, so I still felt optimistic that I would run my fastest marathon in December. I told a few close friends that I expected to finish fast,  but told everyone else who asked that my finish time didn’t really matter, because whatever time I finished would be a Post-Baby PR.

Marathon race day was a mess. The temperature at the start line was in the 60s and rising, and it was so humid for a mid-December day. My water bottle cap was leaking, and every time I checked the time on my watch, I would spill red Gatorade on my hand and thigh. I ran the first half in 1:47, and knew that my goal of running under 3:40 wouldn’t be possible because I was already so tired. I adjusted my goal several times after the halfway mark: a 3:45 finish, a 3:50 finish, a marathon PR of anything under 3:53, a 3 Bridges Marathon PR of under 3:59, and finally, in the last few miles, a plan to just finish. The second half was more mentally exhausting than it was physically exhausting.

I met a friendly runner in the last few miles, Natosha, who chatted with me until the finish. We had similar running goals for the race, but she was coming off an injury and had to let her goals go too. I was super impressed that she stayed strong and had a great attitude, and look forward to seeing her progress during her races in 2017. I hope to learn a few things from her, and maybe chase her to a Boston Marathon qualifying time one day!

I finished the marathon in 4:02 and felt so defeated. Matthew and Rose were waiting for me at the end, and I felt like I disappointed them by not doing better. I attempted to cry alone on my way to meet my family for lunch, but I was so dehydrated that tears weren’t happening. So. Pathetic.

After taking some time to reflect, I see now that it would have been a miracle to finish as strong as I thought I could. The weather was working against me. Being a breast-feeding mom to an 11 month old who still doesn’t sleep through the night was working against me. Thinking that you can do something is way easier than actually doing it, and I see now that I’m just going to have to try harder, put more effort into training, and cut myself some slack! I put way too much pressure on myself to be better than I actually was, and I don’t feel so bad about my finish anymore. After all, I got my marathon Post-Baby PR. I feel the most guilty about being such a miserable person during what should be a happy race. The Central Arkansas running community really comes together to bring support to this race in honor of Jacob Wells, the founder of the race.

I’ve got goals for 2017, and I’m willing to work hard to meet them, while also trying to be the best mom I can be. I hope you’ll keep up with what’s going on our lives this year, as we hope to do some awesome things in 2017!